3- Lost

"NO!" I woke up suddenly from my uneasy slumber, the remnants of my nightmare as clear as it goes in my mind. Hell, it was too vivid to forget. I let my hands rub away the last signs of sleep. there was no way I'll be getting any sleep anymore after this. I glanced at the alarm clock on my beside table only to be greeted by the fact that its an hour before I should be waking, the sun hadn't even got to his throne yet.

The house was eerily quiet, something I've been recently trying to get myself used to. My father was at home, yes, but only snoring his way to dreamland. It was a bit comforting that I still had him after all, although it was a weird sense of comfort. Someone in their deranged minds would find comfort to be in a house where there's some cheater sleeping in it. Clearly, I wasn't as sane as I thought I was.

I made my way out of my room and headed for the bathroom. Nature called, all the while letting my mind wander off to my nightmare. It had been frightening, but it was another I'm getting used to. Ever since that night when she left, I've been getting nightmares.

It was a consistent, unchanging nightmare. The image of my mother's fleeting smile gradually leaving her face as she walked farther away from me. I was bounded by chains and metal rails as she made our distance longer and longer until she was nothing more of a tiny fleck in the scene. Then the scene will change and mom was falling too deep in the pit of darkness while I struggled to help her through invisible forces. It always left me screaming 'No' and woke up drenched in my own cold sweat.

I couldn't remember the last time the lights in the bathroom did me glory, except now. It had emphasized the sickly yellowish color of my skin, and the dark circles under my eyes. This was a rather terrifying look for someone of sixteen years of age. One would guess that I was not eating well due to the impending graduation. It was normal, but they didn't know. They have no idea, that my reason had nothing to do with school. It had more to do with life in general.

I turned the tap on and let the water ran on my hands. The refreshing coldness of the water pushed back my sleepy senses as it reached my face. I needed to wake up and put my mask on. I needed to let my audience think that I'm only nervous because of today's event. They couldn't know of my secret. That was only mine and mine alone.

***

"Good morning Mira!" Lean greeted, her hair in perfect ringlets as she stood before me and a painfully big smile painted on her face. I cocked my head to the side and flashed my perfectly mastered smile to her.

"Morning to you too, lovely Lee," I returned the greeting to my best friend in an equal glee. Fake as it was, Lean had acknowledged that the genuine Miranda was long gone. She had accepted it after I lashed out on her once. I never felt so guilty in my life since then so I pretended that I was alright. But I know deep inside her, she must have known that I'm not.

"Ready to face the big world, eh?" She took my hand as she always did and we started our ascend to the entrance of the auditorium where the event was to take place. I spotted her parents somewhere inside through the glass walls, and flashed a small polite smile when they caught my eye.

I turned my focus back to Lean and shook my head, "Never will, love. Never will." She raised both eyebrows on me then burst into chuckles. "Well princess, be ready because we're here to start our journey," she told me, squeezed my hand and half-dragged me up to meet her parents.

She was right. I should be ready, no matter what.

***

"Montano, Miranda Abueva." Miss Cabrera spoke through the microphone, then glanced at me, a small fleeting smile on her face. I returned it with one of my own smile, the first real smile of the day. I stepped up to the stage, received my diploma, shook the hands of the few guests before taking my final vow as a high school student at the center. This was it. I finally graduated.

I remembered the time when I was seven years old, on my second grade in Elementary and my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I smiled at her and answered instantly that I want to be a doctor. That changed when I reached my sixth year just before graduating elementary school, and I was given the job to write about my dream job. I wrote how I wanted to be a lawyer. Just a year ago, we had an open discussion about our future careers. I was one of the quickly decided people who spoke. I wanted to be a artist and share my talents. The only difference was now that I stood in front of my year-mates and their parents, I didn't know what I wanted to be. Not a doctor, not a lawyer, not an artist. I tried to look for some answers in their eyes but I was found none. She was not here. My mother was not here. I sighed in my head, and stepped down.

"Navarro, Christina Santos," Miss Cabrera continued as I walked away from the stage.

***

"You look stunning Mira," Chris greeted as he let me in his house where the party was to take place. The loud music banged the walls on his house as we stepped in his living room.

"Metal at seven, Chris?" I teased, elbowing lightly his ribs when he poked my side in response.

"Nope, not me. Leandra's the DJ not me," he shrugged as he led me to the backyard where half of our class were. I frowned at his use of Lean's full name but ignored it. It was their problem not mine. They had to resolve this not me. I'll probably just give a helping hand.

"MIRA!" Lean's voice boomed across the place despite the size and the crowd. Flashing the practiced grin, I quickened my pace, side stepping the dancing people until I reached my best friend mid-way. "Stunningly gorgeous, lovely," I greeted and kissed her cheek as she kissed mine.

"You look stunning yourself," she returned and twirled me around which sent us into fit of giggles. "Metal at seven, missy?" I teased her, bumping my hips on hers.

She just grinned impishly at me and pulled me to the disc jockey's place. Once I realized where she's bringing me. I quickly pulled my hand from her grip and shook my head. "That's not my place," I said in a raised voice, frowning as the speakers boomed with loud music.

"What?" She looked at me confused so I closed our distance and put my lips to her ears. "That's not my place. Its yours, I'll just find Chris. Meet you in an hour inside?" Her lips tugged a fraction downward at the mention of his name. She then shrugged and continued to her place, switching the song to a rock song.

I turned around and scanned the dim place for the sign of Chris. It was hard to see him with the poor lighting in this place. It was a miracle that I haven't tripped on my own feet yet. Then I saw him. Tall, and slender, Chris stood by the refreshment table, his red polo shirt the only distinguishing feature in his otherwise monochromatic clothes. He was talking to one of our classmates whom I couldn't recognize.

I made her way to him, making sure to just walk at the sides so I wouldn't bump to the dancers. I recognized the girl to be Alma, our president. I flashed a smile to him behind Alma before I tapped the girl's shoulder. "Excuse me, may I borrow Chris for a moment?" I asked almost politely, but a bit of tension escaped my cage.

Something flashed in her face for a moment. Irritation perhaps? But I let it go as she just walked off with poise and left us alone. I watched her at the corner of my eyes as she approached her group of giggling girls on one of the tables. I narrowed my eyes for a moment before I turned my focus back on Chris. He was laughing at me so I glared at him.

"Stop it!" I exclaimed, punching his arm playfully. He tried to calm himself for a minute then looked at me in the eye with an annoying smile on his face.

"Sorry, sorry. You just looked hilarious. Really? Alma's just jealous you got higher position in the ranks. Plus you have me by your side." He teased, but I shook my head.

"Nonsense. Alma's just a childish swot, I would never sink low on her level," I said, an air of  arrogance in my voice.

"Yet you still glare at her as if you want nothing but revenge," he said in a low but serious manner. "Seriously Mira, chill, relax. Alma can't do any harm. She's a swot you said and you're not. So relax. Its supposed to be our party. Time to celebrate not to plot on revenge!" He said touching my arm and offering me a glass of juice.

I sighed as I accepted the offer and nodded. "Fine, but I'm not letting you go that easy on your other statement. Have you by my side? Your head is as big as the hers it seemed." I rolled my eyes as I took a sip on my drink. My eyes focused on Lean as she moved her body to the music at the stage. She was in her element. And I felt a bit envious, I wish I had her confidence. I wish I had my confidence back.

"Well, I'm just telling the truth. I'm handsome, I have good voice, athletic, and romantic at heart. I'm to die for," he said exaggerating his gestures.

"In your dreams, Gutierrez. In your dreams," I said rolling my eyes once more before I noticed that he was looking at Lean too. "Yes, in my dreams," he whispered then sighed.

I looked back at Lean and took Chris's large hand in mine. "Won't be in your dreams if you make a move now," I said in an equally quiet voice. He looked at me confused before I glanced at my best friend pointedly and looked back at him. "Go on, there's something more you can do." I gave his hand a squeezed before I pushed him lightly towards Lean's direction.

"You think so?" he asked, worry in his eyes betraying the calm and proud demeanor he had. I just nodded and sent an encouraging smile. "Thanks," he said kissing my forehead and walked away from me and to Lean. He stopped a  few feet away from me and turned back to me.

"I wish you'd follow your advice Mira," he said then grinned widely and continued his way to her. Panic crossed my eyes, and everything blurred. The colorful lights danced in my gaze but I couldn't see anything. What did he mean by that? Did he know? Did he? Realization clicked on me when I saw Chris pulled Lean from her place and to the dance floor. He didn't. Chris was just good in his intuitions, and he just assumed. If he knew, he would talk to me. He just probably assumed it.

I sighed in relief as I watched them dance, bodies in an intimate distance, rocking hips to the music. They moved in perfect rhythm and my lips warped into an ironic smile. "Sorry Chris, but I couldn't do anything. I can't do anything more," I whispered before I scanned the room in search of another person to bug.